Monday, 14 March 2016

I Never Thought I'd Say This...

My life is shit at the moment. Not in the sense that I'm about to become bankrupt, homeless and possibly murdered but the type of mentally shit that makes me want to curl up in a ball and never leave, only occasionally for food and the next book to read. There is a lot going on in my life that I can't control and I physically can't bring myself to do a lot of things even when I know I need to.

I've never really had mental health issues in life. My mum suffers terribly with anxiety and depression, but I'm always seen as the "tough cookie", the one in the family who is brave and deals with all the crap like nothing touches my icy heart. But, I've come to the point now when it really is affecting me and I think I've let things stab my icy heart and it feels like it takes all the pain and hurt and fucked up things and just encased them in the ice so they can't get out. All the pain and anger and sadness is in my heart and it can't fucking get out no matter how much I want to cry and how much I try, it just won't.

Now, it feels pretty helpless not knowing what you want or what you feel. Why can't I bring myself to do any work? Is it because I'm lazy and worthless, or is it because my mental health is literally swimming down the drain. I sit at my computer sometimes and think, I want to go home and cry. Then I finish work and sit on my bed and think, I just want to go back to work and forget everything. Those instances where my mind isn't letting me cry and my mind isn't letting me work is just piling the shit on top of the pile of already overflowing shit and I'm at breaking point.

When you're mental health is fucked you start to question a lot in life. Why am I with this person? Would it be better if I were alone? Maybe I should run away, nobody would miss me, right? So what if my friends are going out, I'm better off alone. I'm in that deep, dark pit of despair where all I want to be is alone. Alone with my thoughts and feelings and I honestly think that would help me. Would it help me to be alone? I don't think so, probably not but it's what I want.

I don't want my family, I don't want my boyfriend, I don't want my friends. I just want myself and my blog. My blog is all I enjoy. I don't laugh at my boyfriends jokes, I don't smile when my friend sends me a funny text even if I text back "lol". It's like I'm looking at my life from afar and an alien has taken over my body. Why isn't she laughing at that, he's hilarious? She put lol, but she isn't smiling. Her mum made her a nice tea and she didn't even say thank you, how rude. Her dad comes and asks her to go watch tv with them and she brushes him off, can't she see he's trying to help? She's starting talking to another bloke, why is she doing that when she has a boyfriend who loves her?

I'm watching my life slip by and there's nothing I can do to slow it down. I want to shake myself, but I can't because it's like there's a war going on in my head. If I push people away maybe they'll leave me alone, maybe I'll be happy then. Then I want to shake myself and say no, people aren't happy alone they're lonely! It's so hard and I'm drowning.

I never thought I'd be someone who suffers from their mental health, hell I even questioned my mum when she would say she can't talk to anyone about it but now I know how she feels. I can't tell people I don't want them around, that would hurt them, they wouldn't understand. I've accepted in my head that I probably have something wrong with me, but something is stopping me doing anything about it.

I'm sorry for this, I never thought this type of post would go on my blog. But, writing is so therapeutic. It's letting me pour everything out while not sobbing into my quilt. It's letting me ramble and actually put into words what I'm feeling, that is a hell of a lot more articulate than it would've been if spoken to a real life being. This is my piece of the internet where I can ramble and scream and I'm going to take advantage of it.

Til' next time! XOXO

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